~an ode~

i lub* you...i hate* you...can't live without you*
you've been there forevr......i dont' have the first memory of us together...but wtf..there have been countless ever since......n' life's good coz you're in it......i have hope(it rhymes with dope*;) coz you'r my faith.
you said it yourslf last nite....we've come a loooonnggg way...AND HOW!!!!frm kiddie tlk ..n' fun games(pathaan saab...ooonch-neech)....growing up pains..embarrasing dressing sense in class three to hot pink stilletos ..boys tlk...to smoking on the terrace..almost getting caught...sneaking in ppl.....getting drunk n' puking..to sex education(whch you actuly never needed;)... lies.....love ...life...every God' damn thng under the fucking sun...its amazing but we can talk non-stop for hours..
...
looking back in hind sight....iam glad we din't end up killing each other coz thr were time whn we were on the verge of serious physical damage...:)
newy.....as i always say..you're one of the strongest ppl i know...if notThe Strongest.....n' if you loose 14 kgs...you'd be a sex *bam*!!!!
just like me...you're an oxymoron....the *oxy* keeps us same or else we'l jus be two morons!!...lol...cheap one!
yesterday's a pleasant memory...
today's pre party plannin
and tommorow's the Parrtttyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!
jus coz we're together...
jus keep the faith......well...tht's not technicaly correct......get yourslf some faith woman!!!
it'll carry yuo thrrough......
can't wait for you to find yourslf a wahhhccckkkkkkooo n' fall madly in love...
(you'l jus understand me a tad bit betttr then)
don't let any m*****f****r screw your head...ever....
you'r way better than that..
at this pleasant note..i shall take your leave my lady as it time to give you a huge huuuuggggiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeee!
forevr n' evr n' evr
gaga

rudy's sis's wedding.
dec12th.'o6
~old friends.jazzy clothes(thanks nihu for puttin me togthr.satty's burnt salwar).music.dancing(aloo din't hv to hold on to my stilletos this time round)yum foood(peter knows smthn abt the samosas)and chiilly winds!

bottm line....a fun evening~

The Alchemy Of Desire~Tarun J Tejpal.....(my random musing)

Fiza ......fizz...."writing is writing....fizz is life!"...
the words itself force the mind to conjure up an image.....not seen toO often......and always awe inspiring....
Not even halfway through the book,i notice MYSELF thinking different things.....n' thinking the same things differently....
We as kids were always taught to think for ourselves...a boarding school education only addded to this want to express MY individuality,and in ways not too regular.
Ripped jeans...unruly hair...black nail paint...multiple piercings...permanent bodyart..floyd....junk food...marlyn manson...they were statements we made evryday.
Emulating someone was never encouraged...but that is exactly what we did...
trying to be different we all turned out clones...day after day after day.
Our generation's known to take things a step further...and today it is impossible to say that "i admire a mr.so n' so" without having to go through gruelling glares....many of them despising..some of them questioning and a selected few escaping....coz they do too....
But fizz is someone i want to be...i say it with conviction...and believe myself when i say it....she's extraordinary in her ordinaryness*......beautiful beyond word in her white kurta.
If english language would have been a slave to me..or even a trusted friend i would have written proses or even a character sketch to tame her personality but.....
"voyeur" is a word i recently learned and many of its derivatives have found their way into my conversations lately....
this exact same word is so far removed from this book..the characters and plots that it is,for the lack of a better word, extraordinary!

the human body

used...abused..dissused...

i try to fix you...n' you do the same to me

notice a change with season....age..sex... “The absolute yearning of one human body for another particular body and its indifference to substitutes is one of life's major mysteries.”

delegates gather to view it...admire it...welcome it...love it ..need it..want it...despise it...hate it....hurt it...own it....

it is sacred...n' free......not to be owned...and never chained

~youwonder~

we'r all a lil hurt..
just a lil broken...
all of us...as fcked as the nxt..
the dark is comforting and we retire into our past...
looking for somethng...anythng to hold on to..so we don't slip away.
we play a character....all the time..hiding the hurt...covering the pain in a shroud...being brave n' happy..just the way we'r meant to be...supposed to be i.e..jus doin it a lil bettr this time
there always music playin n' its defining our lives....
a song fr the day...a song for every moment.....
but wht when you want it to be alll to be silent....coz it's not music anymore....jst white noise...irritating...burning...omnipresent.
i look into your eyes...asking you to come on out.....
the smile tht you just passd ws a in its brutal reality a plea....
i wait to tear the walls down...
i understand but my hands feel tied....a straighjacket i cnt get out of...i am no Houdini(sp?)
the edges are gtin edgier
the surface jus a lil rough...
does the phoenix always rise from its ashes.....or is a version of the santa story??
At the brink of extension.. you wonder why i hurt myself...you wonder why i love pain so mch???
it takes the focus frm life...love..thngs in general...
n' fr tht minute all my senses are diverted to myself....i dnt care about you nemore....jus like it' ws always meant to be.

smoke

u seen a cigrt burn...???
closer to the butt....closer...closer.......
is it scary.....????...or enticing??
the smoke plays around.....
its hallucination personified........
a dance drug taking you some place you din't know existed....
a place you don't wanna leave now tht you're here.....
ever felt you were smoking too much.....
n' the smokes were'nt enough to carry you through the nite.......
i cant use an ashtray coz i'l be screwed if my dad found out......
so i ash in a glass of water....one of those glasses you'd find at the local hawker....the one tht come 20 a dozen...or smthn close....
the ash ..its all settled below.....in a muddy pile at the bottom of the glass...
its ugly...look at it carefully now....
there are patterns you'd detect there.....
smthing prty...smthn unusual.......smthn diffrent fr evry eye
im counting the butts lying in the cornr on a white sheet.....they'r leaving dirty marks there....
marks i know i'd nvr be able to wipe off...

Every corner has a story scrouching in its dusty heap...

Every creak on the floor resounds with laughter of happiness past...

The sun's rays filtered throug the rusty windows.. try and bring in hope...meaning...love.. life...passion.......

but the shabby old curtain form a wall......a wall of stone holding everything within .....all the hurt..the pain......grief..the burn....its bottled inside.....reeking of destruction...of life being suffocated

and all without.

trippy image..

i love the weirdass multicolored graphics on the media player...especially the yellow orange ones....they attck you it seems..n' thn transport you.....
to whereever it is that you want to be....
they're positively trippy..breaking bounds of reality...

me...alive

you make music..i make stories..
there are voices in my head and i live ad different character every single day....
i'v lost count of what i'v already been and all that i want to be...
the ones who screwed me n' the ones i wana screw over..
the scratches are growing with evry count...
the malignant joy eating me up...alive

a night in town

the blinding city lights....
the velocity of our lives.....
the desperate looking midnight people....
the shadows....sometimes alluring...at others... sinister

....

i wanna run away...frm myself...n' the voices in my head...
i jus don't wanna belong.....to anyone...
i don't wanna desire anythng..anymore

...

the phone hasnt vibrated in the longest time....

Rain

walkin into that space...
which felt so much like home...
but somehow i still dint belong....
or maybe i dint want to.
that one look which said it all....
that one smile which started it all....
the one touch that melted everything....
that's when i was blown away....
to look up into the night sky as the rain falls on your face.....
its music that can never be made thereafter.....

~~~~~about *ME*~~~~~

A WoRk iN pRoGrEsS...
dRaMa QuEeN...
SuFfEr FrOm aN aTtEnTioN dEFiCiT diSoRdEr...
ChOcoHolIc...
iNtRoVeRT...
ExTrOvErT....
sANe...
iNsAne....
An oXyMoRon.....
fUn...
BoRiNg......
iNtELlEctUaL...
SmArT....
DeSiRabLe....
DeTeStAbLe....
eAsiLY hAtED....
eVeN MoRe EAsILy lOVed....
AS Un* psEuDo As THey COMe...
wAnDerER...
a pUn...
FiERcLy LoyAl...
BItCH....
FutUrIsT....
BOhEMiAn....
buNNy...
VoRaCioUs ReaDer....
jInxEd....
PoEt.....
wRiTeR...
PhOtOgRAhER...
AlMoSt ALcOhoLic......
sToNer...
DrEaMeR....
bElIeVer....
ThE EtERnAl Ro MaNtiC...
TrYInG to Be GenUIneLY hApPy....
InTeRNaLLy BlEeDIng...

"the look"

"i don't know when i actually got hooked on to the camera...i'v always had cameras n' pretty pictures around ever since i can remember...i used to browse through old family albums for hours...the images came alove..and there was so much that they said.....the history...story....the fun times...the memories...its amazing how the push of one button captures a moment in time...forever...

guess papa passd his passion on to me..n' its one of those thin invisible cords that binds us still.i used to piss off my frnds all the time...jus walkin back to the dorm aftr dinner i used to jus look at anything and everything and exclaim......."wld'nt it make a pretty picture!!"

these are my frst few model......but these pictures are special...for the people in them and also coz they'r one of my frst professional shot.till someone actually agrees to pay me for my expertise n' skill... i have to do with friends wanting to pose for me...and are actully pretty camera friendly...

don't know if my passion would feed n' clothe me.....but till then i guess i should just keep clickin...

when lightning strikes sand........it turns into *glass*...

i dn't rmbr the name of the movie right now...
the one with resse witherspoon..n' the guy with pretty blue eyes....and the huge bloodhound....
but the dude was a glass blower in the movie...
and i want'd to go to Morano,Italy..n' be a glass blower....i still do.

~intrests~

travelling....i want to hitch hike all over the world..
fashion..
photography....i lv ppl photography...
things in motion....
flashing light bulbs..
graffitti on my wall....
old pictures...
puppies....
movies...
music... books...
people.....
designing...
clothes..... shoppin...retail therapy works bttr thn nethn else.....
i lv playin wid colors...
i *slimily* wtch tom n' jerry n' hv loads of fun ..
swat cats too.....LoL
bummper cars...
glow in the dark stars...
luggage trolly rides at the airport...
flying away on an hrs notice..
soccer .....
random documntries by amatures..
n' planes, n' flying....i wntd to be a pilot whn i ws a kid.....now i jus dnt no....bt i thnk i wanna be famous....iam figuring out HOW!?!"

Thorn Birds...Colleen Mccullough

There is a legend about a bird which sings just once in its life,
more sweetly than any other creature on the face of this earth.
From the moment it leaves its nest it searches for a thorn tree, and does not rest until it has found one .
Then singing among the savage branches.
It impales itself upon the longest, sharpest one.
And, dying, it rises above its own agony to out-carol the lark and the nightingale .
One superlative song, existence the price. But the whole world stills to listen, and God in His Heaven smiles. For the best is only bought at the cost of great pain….
Or so says the legend.

*love*

To run…just to stand still…
To break away ..
only to belong once more….
When you walk away .. from any relationship …
only to be faced
with it on the very next bent….
To hold on so tight .. that it tenderly slips away….
To feed on the loss and thrive on despair …
To be afraid to lose something
something...that was never truly your’s ..

That’s when….
the silence is deafening…
and pain is pleasure…
the happiness pierces through…
and love does nothing but kill

`the war within`

.how life changes and we change with it...
we discover ..and rediscover ourselves every passing day....
my beliefsremain...
but i don't seem to agree with them anymore....

Neon ghosts..
A purple haze…
Broken glass beads..
Stay with me…carry me through

Grey silhouettes ..
Misty mornings…
An animated world…
disappearing acts…
and time slipping through…

Life caught in transition…
Dreams turned into realities…
Realities into nightmares….
Would tonight make a difference to you??